Growing Up

This is one of those posts that has the potential to go on in forever in a sea of text.  Probably not the greatest and most exciting of things for a blog.  So, in anticipation of myself writing too much, I will attempt to keep myself reigned in.

I've been doing a whole of self reflection over the last few weeks.  I blame this on the ominous approach of my 30th birthday on the last day of this month.  Ok, that's a little dramatic, as I really have no probably whatsoever with turning 30.  I found my first gray hair around the age of 17, and my first stretch mark when my hips exploded sometime in Jr High.  These things don't bother me.

It's the inner stuff that I'm really trying to take assessment of.  How I'm spending my time.  How I'm handling myself.  How I am thinking about things.  I think most everyone knows how to act in certain situations.  We know how to put on a front.  Although, I as I get older, or grow up, I am starting to break down that false wall.   You know the one.  The one your mom put up as soon as the phone rang while you were being punished.  Her eyes were still giving you that "mom glare" but her voice talking to the person on the phone would have made you think she were out on a lounge chair on the porch sipping tea watching the sunset.  Do I fault mom for this, of course not, the poor person on the end of the line didn't need to be greeted with the same emotion that was being directed toward us, that I'm sure we completely deserved.  However, I think there are some places that we should break through that fake wall of eternal contentment.

Sunday morning was one of those instances for me.  Someone at church asked how I was doing.  And instead of answering with a cheerful "Great! How are you?"  I answered with a very honest, tired, "Alright."  That morning I had got all the kids ready for church myself, as Jonathan was not feeling well at all.  I was tired.  And answering that way led to a wonderful conversation that really raised my spirits for the day.  That first response probably wouldn't have produced such an honest conversation.

I could ramble on.

I actually wrote a whole other paragraph, about time management, and realized that that really doesn't go with what I was talking about at all really...  So I'll save that for another day.

So the point. At almost 30 I think I'm starting to understand how to be more authentic. At least in a small way.

I think I need to try and translate that to how I think about myself. I think sometimes I lie to myself about myself..  I know there are times when I look in the mirror and really see myself, and am taken aback.  For some reason, in my mind's eye, I am still the same size and shape that I was at about 17...  not so much.  And I often wonder if I'm not doing that with my inner self too.  Am I completely overlooking some part of my personality that needs work?  Well, to be honest, I know there are things I need to work on.  My patience, for one.  My compassion.  My temper.  My cynicism.   My 17 year old self didn't really struggle with those things.  She struggled with a whole other batch of emotions.  And now, at 30, I have a completely different life.  I've been married for almost 10 years.  I have 3 kids, and one on the way.  My job is babysitting two kids, on top of having my own 3 at home.  A whole different ball game from working at a restaurant, dating, being in high school, living with my parents.  I didn't have a whole lot of need for patience.  At least not patience for 5 children 5 and under that are relying on me for just about everything.  I didn't have anything to be cynical about, except maybe when I wasn't allowed to do exactly what I wanted, and to be honest, that really didn't happen a whole lot.

I have a feeling my 17 year old self would be shocked to see how wide her hips are going to get.  And how fast those gray hairs are going to multiply and take over.  But I also have a feeling she would tell me that I need to chill out.  She would be so incredibly happy with where I am.  I am living exactly the life I wanted to live.  I wanted to be a mom.  I wanted to be at home with my kids.  I wanted to get married to a man that I respect and love with all my heart. I have it pretty darn good, and I really have no need to be cynical.  Or to have a temper.  Or to lose my patience.

I just need to remind myself of this daily.  It is way too easy to get caught up in the little frustrations of the day, and completely forget about the joy of the big picture!

Thanks for reading my ramblings.  Reading back through I think I still made a pretty crazy transition somewhere in the middle there... Oh well. :)  It's where the thoughts were going tonight.  And now... it is time for bed.  Apparently I have some sort of draw for writing here after midnight, as I'm pretty sure that's about what time I wrote my last entry as well.